You have all of this experience at a soul level with light, and you bring that experience with you into this life.
Think about a river that comes down out of the really high mountains, and how the water is basically snowmelt and the higher part of the river hasn't been touched by any kind of pollution. That means the water there is really crystal clear. It shines like a diamond, it's so clear.
So if you can imagine being a water drop in that kind of river where the water drop itself is like a little piece of crystal. It's so clear, it's so full of the essence of life. As that water drop flows in the river, it's able to take in awareness of All That Is. Like, what it means to be the river, the channel, the mountains, the air, the sky, the birds, the whatever. Because the water at that point, at that level of crystal cleanliness, is existing within unlimited awareness.
When you don't get in your own way, you have the ability of that kind of crystal clear clarity. And your soul came forward into this life with all of that open. There's nothing about that that you've held back on. Some souls will do that. They'll hold back on a part of themselves, but with this you didn't. You're all turned up, you're all turned on, you're at 100 percent.
That kind of vision, though, isn't something you have to pay for or work hard for. This ability to see with that kind of crystal clarity is inherent within you. It's not anything you have to prove, it's not anything that someone's going to give you, it's not something that you even have to develop. You're more just developing your sense of comfortableness with it. It exists because you exist.
The more you get out of your own way... the more you let yourself, you know, if January 1st comes along and you feel like it's time to... I dunno... move to New Zealand, then you'll pack up and do it because it will come with that kind of crystal clear awareness which is pretty unexplainable but is an extremely powerful source of knowing for you and not anything for you to turn away from.
Then how can I know these [natural laws]? How can I learn them?
It is not a question of learning, but of remembering.
How can I remember them?
Begin by being still. Quiet the outer world, so that the inner world might bring you sight. This in-sight is what you seek, yet you cannot have it while you are so deeply concerned with your outer reality. Seek, therefore, to go within as much as possible. And when you are not going within, come from within as you deal with the outside world. Remember this axiom:
If you do not go within, you go without.
Every heart which earnestly asks, Which is the path to God? is shown. Each is given a heartfelt Truth. Come to Me along the path of your heart, not through a journey of your mind. You will never find Me in your mind.
In order to truly know God, you have to be out of your mind.
The other thing about the aspect of your soul is... that light part of you, that photon-seeking light part of you, knows how to time travel. That's what we would say from our point of view. It has done a lot of time traveling.
It's almost in a parallel existence. It's involved in something that's way beyond our limited linear views of things, where we think of past, present and future and it's a timeline and yesterday happened yesterday and not tomorrow. Whereas your experience as light... sometimes yesterday does happen tomorrow, and three weeks ago is going to happen the day after tomorrow. There is a way in which what we think of as time is a lot more fluid.
What that means for you at a soul level is that your interaction with physical reality is kinda flexible. It also comes from a perspective of the real possibilities of what the future holds. [...] You're just not dealing with time in this life in a way that most people do. [...]
And there is a way in which that just doesn't make any rational sense whatsoever, so you have to learn to cover some of that up. If people really knew, they'd probably think you're crazy. I mean, they kinda think you're crazy anyway, but... there is a level at which that's okay, but this is the serious type of crazy. This is the lock-you-up-in-a-hospital type of crazy.
Ullman believes that some aspects of psychosis can also be explained by the holographic idea. Both Bohm and Pribram have noted that the experiences mystics have reported throughout the ages — such as feelings of cosmic oneness with the universe, a sense of unity with all life, and so forth — sound very much like descriptions of the [gaming engine]. They suggest that perhaps mystics are somehow able to peer beyond ordinary [material] reality and glimpse its deeper, more holographic qualities. Ullman believes that psychotics are also able to experience certain aspects of the holographic level of reality. But because they are unable to order their experiences rationally, these glimpses are only tragic parodies of the ones reported by mystics. [...]
Ullman believes that schizophrenics try to convey their sense of unbroken wholeness in the way they view space and time. Studies have shown that schizophrenics often treat the converse of any relation as identical to the relation. For instance, according to the schizophrenic's way of thinking, saying that "event A follows event B" is the same as saying "event B follows event A". The idea of one event following another in any kind of time sequence is meaningless, for all points in time are viewed equal. The same is true of spatial relations. If a man's head is above his shoulders, then his shoulders are also above his head. Like the image in a piece of holographic film, things no longer have precise locations, and spatial relationships cease to have meaning.
Ullman believes that certain aspects of holographic thinking are even more pronounced in manic-depressives. Whereas the schizophrenic only gets whiffs of the holographic order, the manic is deeply involved in it and grandiosely identifies with its infinite potential.
The operations of [magic] science are not devoid of danger. Their result may be madness for those who are not established on the base of the supreme, absolute, and infallible reason. They may over-excite the nervous system, producing terrible and incurable diseases. [...] Let those, therefore, who seek in magic the means to satisfy their passions, pause in that deadly path, where they will find nothing but death or madness. This is the significance of the vulgar tradition that the devil finished sooner or later by strangling the sorcerers.
In addition to being holographic in all the ways already mentioned, this vision of total knowledge has another holographic characteristic. NDEers often say that during the vision the information arrives in "chunks" that register instantaneously in one's thoughts. In other words, rather than being strung out in a linear fashion like words in a sentence or scenes in a movie, all the facts, details, images, and pieces of information burst into one's awareness in an instant. One NDEer referred to these bursts of information as "bundles of thought." [...]
Indeed, anyone who possesses any appreciable psychic ability is familiar with this experience, for this is the form in which one receives psychic information as well. [...] Interestingly, because these bursts of psychic information arrive in nonlinear chunks, it sometimes takes me several moments to translate them into words. Like the psychological gestalts experienced by individuals during transpersonal experiences, they are holographic in the sense that they are instantaneous "wholes" our time oriented minds must struggle with for a moment in order to unravel and convert into a serial arrangement of parts.
Just so you know, your records actually show that when you find the right person, that you know is compatible with you, and that will understand you… actually it's very important to understand you in terms of the energy and also the connection that you have with the divine source. That person... you will find inspiration, actually. Your relationship will bring in a different level of inspiration. You will also find a sort of partnership — not only emotionally, but you will find a sense of partnership in a spiritual way. Like, you are an individual but you will find coherence in energetic space that you both share. So you will actually sense that. You will know that’s the right feeling energetically.
Oh, I’m just going to tell you what they show me because I thought it’s kinda really Disneyland, like a Disney movie. They show — here’s you, and here’s this guy, and he’s the right one, and when you get together it shows this… this is so Disney movie. It shows the two of you close to each other, together. And then there are just sparkles of like, you know, like a Disney movie, right? Tinkerbells and literally, like, a star magic thing sparkling. And then a heart shape like this. And I’m like “Oh, really? Seriously?” I’m like “Okay, I’ll tell her.” I was resisting but, like, okay fine. I’ll just tell you. So that’s the big finale.
This Book is being written, and as it’s being written it’s already written; it already exists. In fact, that’s where you’re getting all this information — from the book that already exists. You’re merely bringing it into form.
It's like the difference between paddling upstream and paddling downstream. When you're going downstream, sometimes you take the paddles out of the water and just sit back and the boat floats down the river. And that's a whole lot of what's going on in your life. It's just like, "Okay. This is the experience I want to have. These are the kinds of things I need to do to prepare for that to make it happen. Okay, cool. Now I'm just going to sit back and let this float because I'm trusting it. I know it's going to take me downstream where I wanna go." [...]
For you, life resistance comes when you try to paddle upstream when you know that you shouldn't. Which is to say that you have a very strong awareness of what's true for you, what's right for you. And you should be encouraged to follow that. And sometimes you do actually paddle upstream, but it's because you know that's the thing for you to do. Resistance comes when you don't do what you know you should be doing. They're just like, "Nikki, just get over that one. Y'know? C'mon." Because they know they don't have to point it out to you. They know you know.
But a whole lot of that comes out of this vague idea that you should make other people happy. But they're glad to report you are letting go of that. Because life is about making you happy, and following your truth, and what you, in the moment, know to be your truth. Which means sometimes people are not going to be happy with you. And it's not that you would intentionally hurt anyone... that's not what they're talking about. What they're talking about is how you give up yourself for somebody else to be happy.
Hell is the opposite of joy. It is unfulfillment. It is knowing Who and What You Are, and failing to experience that. It is being less. That is hell, and there is none greater for your soul. [...]
But I tell you I do not send you there, nor do I cause this experience to be visited upon you. You, yourself, create the experience, whenever and however you separate your Self from your own highest thought about you. You, yourself, create the experience, whenever you deny your Self; whenever you reject Who and What You Really Are.
I left the psychologist's office. It was August 2019. I was 28 years old.
As I walked back to my sister's apartment, the magnitude of my diagnosis began to sink in. Mentally ill. My brain was drowning in cognitive dissonance, still struggling to comprehend that concept of Self.
What's wrong with me?
My question finally had an answer. I recalled the psychologist's words. "People with your condition can sometimes struggle to distinguish the external world from their internal experience. It's not uncommon to experience delusions of grandeur or fantastical beliefs about your own abilities. It's your brain chemistry playing tricks on you."
I walked through the door of my sister's empty one-bedroom apartment and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Her fluffy cat, Bella, jumped off the couch and came to investigate. “Hello, princess,” I cooed. “Your aunty’s had a hard day. Can I have a hug?” I opened my arms.
Bella looked at me for a moment, then turned on her heel and walked towards the bedroom, her tail swaying elegantly in the air. “Nooooo!” I whined. I got up on my knees and shuffled towards her, hands outstretched like a zombie. “Love me! Love me!”
Bella ran under the queen-sized bed — the one my sister and I had been sharing while I stayed with her.
My phone buzzed with a notification. It was a photo from the school in Kenya where we ran a pro-bono coding program.
“Congrats on being so incompetent,” I whispered to myself. I’d fired my full-time teachers the previous day. As I ripped away their livelihoods, all they could say were kind things like, “get better soon,” and “this was the best job of my life,” and “we love and appreciate you, Nikki.”
Meanwhile, all I felt was shame. Heavy, suffocating shame.
I wandered over to the fridge, which was neatly stacked with grilled vegetables and quinoa that my sister had prepared. She’d given me three objectives for the day: get out of bed, eat a healthy meal, go for a walk.
I shut the fridge door. I wasn’t hungry.
I glanced at the photo of our happy Kenyan students again. Tears began leaking from my eyes as I lay on my back and stared up at the ceiling.
There I was, destroying everything I'd spent the past few years building with my bare hands. There I was, ripping the limbs off the baby I'd given birth to and raised. There I was, inflicting my chaos on everyone around me. There I was, a colossal failure, yet again.
That day truly was the lowest point of my life. I lost my mind. I lost my business. I lost my team. I lost my money. I lost my identity. And I almost lost my spirit, too. I didn't know who I was anymore. I lay trapped inside my own creation and no one was coming to rescue me. No handsome Disney prince was going to scoop me up in his strong arms and carry me out of this deep, dark cave. That was my responsibility. I had to save myself.
But where to start? I felt so helpless.
If all you can do is crawl, start crawling, a wise Sufi poet whispered in my ear.
I slowly pushed the weight of the universe off my chest, rolled over, and began making my way along the floor towards the full-length mirror by the closet.
I didn't like the girl staring back at me. I was 28 years old, yet I still saw myself as a child who couldn't quite get her shit together. I had no external markers of adulthood — no career, no financial security, no apartment to call home; no relationship; nothing but memories and a head full of knowledge. When I looked into that mirror, I saw everything I hated about myself; everything I wanted to hide.
I stared intensely into my irises and watched my reflection begin to change. My face started rapidly morphing into different ethnicities and ages. Before long, my nose completely disappeared, then my mouth. My skin faded into a fuzzy mass of grey, translucent fog. Only my eyes and my clothing remained, like a Cheshire Cat.
That was a little trick I learned in Chiang Mai. I could stare into a mirror and watch my face morph. One time, I found myself staring at an old woman with a lazy eye, which was incredibly unsettling. Her good eye was staring back at me in the reflection, but her lazy eye was looking off to the side.
I blinked and snapped out of the trance.
Stop doing that, my mind scolded. Stop fucking with your brain, you freak!
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and tried to find my center.
There's a reason you're sitting here, my soul whispered. A mental illness wasn't randomly bestowed upon you. 'Random' is an illusion. Algorithms don't make mistakes — they just compute. This event is merely a transient emergent pattern in the mathematical mosaic of the universe. If you're sitting here, then you're precisely where you need to be. The plan is unfolding perfectly. You're right on track.
But why? my mind asked. Why does everything I love always have to crumble into dust around me? Why does it have to be so excruciatingly painful?
My soul whispered more poetry in my ear. I have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. The cure for the pain is in the pain.
Ugh, stop being so deep and meaningful and cryptic. Just tell me what the answer is. What's the cure? Where do I find it? How do I fix this?
Oh, come on, Wisdom chuckled. You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck. You already know the answer.
What is it? my mind begged.
It's love. The answer is — and always has been — love. And Nikki, you don't love yourself nearly as much as you need to if you're going to complete this mission. You're terrified of your own potential. You don't freely accept the gifts you've been given — your renegade mind, your privileged life, your loving family, your freedom, your creativity, your charisma, your independence, your warmth, your magic, your vision, your heart. You feel like it's all too much; it's all unfair. Who are you to have all this when others have so little? Who are you to shine so bright? You feel like you can't handle it, so you lock it in a box and hide it away from the world, hoping that no one ever sees it and calls you arrogant; immodest; full of yourself; grandiose; a woman who's too big for her boots. You're still letting the world tell you Who You Are instead of unapologetically being Who You Are.
You've forgotten the second half of the hero's journey: once you've claimed the treasure, you have to bring it home. So if you want to stop crumbling into chaos, you have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. You must embrace everything that you believe is shameful and wrong and unworthy about yourself. That is the mountain you have to climb. That is the dragon you have to slay. The privilege of a lifetime is to become Who You Really Are and the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
So give your ego space to throw this tantrum, like it always does. Then do what you always do: get up off the floor and keep going. Finish what you started. Complete the mission. Save yourself from the oblivion of non-realization.
Because by doing all of this and doing it the way you're doing it, you're basically showing as an example to others that they can do this as well, right? That what they've always thought of as the only ways are not the only ways — they're the limited ways. They're the ways that used to work. But there are other ways now. And so by exploring all of that, you then become a demonstration to others about what they really have the capacity to do if they'll let go of their preconceived notions about the way the world has to work.
So however crazy and independent you may have been up until this point, it's going to continue. And I don't want to say it's going to get worse, but it's going to become more intense. Because as you move forward you're not going to suffer fools, and you're just going to say "okay, this is something I want to get done" and you'll do it. [...] Because you're not here to make other people happy. You're here to experience for yourself the depths of what you can do, and enjoy the company of others.