The Last Time

But that's strange... I never shut the door.

I turned around and opened it. I was back in boarding school. Sixteen years old.

My mother was standing there, in front of me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. "I didn't know you were coming to Sydney."

She looked sad. In pain.

She hugged me and said hello and asked how school was going.

"Fine," I lied. In truth, I couldn't wait to escape these prison walls.

"Nikki, I need to tell you something. Umm..." Her eyes were moist and red.

"Frenchie..."

I knew exactly what she was saying. I'd had that thought every time I said goodbye to him at the end of school holidays. When would it be the last time? He was old, and I was young and growing up.

That horse was my world. He was my childhood best friend. I used to make him cakes out of carrots, iced with molasses for his birthday, and decorated with chaff for sprinkles. I'd sit in his paddock and read him books when the weather was nice. And when a storm was raging, and the lightning was flashing, and the thunder was roaring, I'd sometimes sneak out in the night and ride my bike to his paddock just to comfort him. I'd find him in his little shelter, terrified. But he'd nuzzle my shoulder, and I'd give him a hug, and we'd both know that everything was going to be okay.

That's the thing about pets — they see you for who you really are. No illusions. No polish. It's like they see right through you. They see the Truth of things.

And to see someone with such clarity? Unimpeded by your own insecurities and ideas of right and wrong? What a gift! What wisdom! That was love, if ever I felt it.

He was always kind to me. He was always around. He was always up for a little adventure: a picnic, a trail ride, a game of horseball played with broomsticks and beachballs. He was my little partner in mischief.

And then I thought about his dead body lying in the ground, eyes lifeless. Gone. Entropy gently ripping his flesh to pieces and recycling it into the soil.

It was too painful to think about.

I gasped for air and hunched over in an uncontrollable fit of laughter.