Tears began streaming down my face like the water streaming down the window in my bedroom. I was back in boarding school again, just seventeen years old.
It was Halloween. I was all alone.
I looked in the direction of my closet, where an overflow of sequinned material betrayed the presence of my costume, which I was not wearing.
It was Rachel's birthday that weekend. Rachel was one of the leaders of the friendship group I belonged to. I was friends with all of her friends. I did all the group activities together, and so I just assumed I was invited to her Halloween birthday party. Everyone was invited to that party — even people she barely spoke to.
I bought my costume and a present. Something silly, y'know? I was making decent money at the time with my little online business. I could spare some change to make her laugh with a unique and thoughtful gift.
But then the day before the party, I was walking towards the lockers when I accidentally overheard Rachel's voice.
"What do you mean you're coming to the party with Nikki? She's not invited."
A lump formed in my throat. She hadn't seen me yet. I turned around, walked into the bathrooms, and began hyperventilating. I felt so ashamed. Embarrassed.
Silly me, thinking I belonged. Silly me, just assuming I was invited. Silly me, spending money on a costume and making plans with the other girls like a normal seventeen-year-old. Silly me.
And as I stared out the window on that Saturday night, the echo returned; the phrase that had been reverberating around my head for eternity.
What's wrong with me?
I thought about all the fun everyone else was having without me. I wondered what it would be like to feel accepted. To belong somewhere. To not feel like such an outsider all the time.
I hope it's wet and miserable for her, my ego yelled. I hope her party sucks.
No, you don't, Wisdom whispered. Let it be.
On Monday, I walked up to Rachel in the school hallway. "How was the party?" I asked, sincerely.
She looked awkward; guilty. "It was good, thanks."
"I'm glad you had a nice time. I just wanted to give you this." I handed her the wrapped present that I'd purchased the previous week. "I hope you like it. Happy birthday."
Then I turned around and walked in the opposite direction, toward the library. I just wanted to be with some books. Take me somewhere outside these prison walls, I thought. I'm trapped in an asylum with mad people.
