Too Much — Part Three

"Can I ask you a question?" I said.

"Sure," Hamish replied. "Shoot."

The year was 2019. I was sitting in my brother's one-bedroom bachelor pad — complete with chessboard, liquor cabinet, a geeky multi-monitor hacker workspace, and two large wall-prints of a cartoon monkey smoking an oversized bong. We were drinking beer and talking shit at one of our semi-regular 'sibling dinners.' My sister, Alex, was rummaging for snacks in the kitchen. Callum was late, as per usual.

"How do you not care what Mom thinks of you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, you've always had this weird ability to not give a shit."

"Yeah," he shrugged. "I listen to Mom's opinions, and then I ignore them and do what I want."

"I know what you're talking about," Alex chimed in as she delivered some dips to the table. "Nikki, there comes a point in your life where you have to kill your heroes. We have amazing parents-"

"I turned out okay, at least," Hamish grinned.

"-but they're not perfect. They're flawed human beings. Take them off the pedestal and stop treating their opinion as gospel. I know Dad refers to Mom as The Source Of All Wisdom And Knowledge, but she's not. I went through this disillusionment process a year ago, and trust me — it's worth it."

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. "I guess it's easier for Hamish. He never does anything controversial."

"Valid," Hamish nodded.

"Like, a few years ago, I booked my ticket to Chiang Mai and got the visa before I told them I was leaving. I knew exactly what they'd say, and it was just as I predicted. They spent an hour on the phone telling me what an irresponsible choice I was making. Apparently, I was 'running away' and 'abandoning my business' and 'going on holiday.' Three months later, I called them from Thailand and told them I was moving to Brisbane. And they were like, 'Why are you leaving Thailand? The business is going so well! Stay there!'"

"They're classic baby-boomers," Alex said. "They live in a different paradigm and are a product of their time. They just want to see you safe, that's all. You can't fault them for that. Learning to make your own decisions and take your own risks, regardless of what they think, is part of growing up."

I thought back to a few months earlier, sitting at the dinner table as I argued with my mother.

"Do I embarrass you?" I asked, visibly upset.

"What? Of course not," Mom replied.

"Then do you find me inappropriate? What is it? Because I saw you shuddering and shaking your head yesterday when I began talking about my 'weird ideas' to Diane."

"Well, not everyone wants to hear about all this strange stuff you're interested in."

"She asked me what I was working on!" I snapped. "Do you think your friend is stupid? She is a smart and successful businesswoman who sits on the board of all these public companies. What makes you think she wouldn't be interested in what I have to say?"

"I just know what you're like, Nikki. When you get started, you can talk someone's ear off. You're just too much sometimes."

"Jesus! How low do you think my EQ is? Do you think I can't read the room? When your friend asks me what I'm working on, am I supposed to lie and sound normal?"

"Just-"

"You're really that ashamed of me, aren't you? I can't help what I'm interested in." A tear trickled down my cheek.

"What? I'm not ashamed. Why are you so upset?"

"Yes, you are. Every time I talk about my interests in public, you act as if I'm embarrassing you. It's like you think I'm a weird, defective child."

"What? Where is this coming from? Why are you being so paranoid?"

"Paranoid?" I said. "I'm not paranoid."

"Then why do you think I'm out to get you? This is all in your head."

"Stop gaslighting me, Mom."

"Why would you think I think you're defective?"

"Maybe because you visibly shudder when I open my mouth in front of other people. And you say to your friends, 'Oh, you don't have to listen to this.' I'm so sorry I embarrass you in front of your friends. I'm so sorry that you thought I was going to end up in some high-paid career because I was your little academic high-performer, and now I'm just bumming around the world like a dropkick with no financial security."

"What? Where is this suddenly coming from?"

"It's coming from the fact that you don't shudder when Alex talks about her eCommerce sales, or when Hamish talks about the programming project he's working on, or when Callum talks about a movie he's passionate about. But when I talk about my interests in front of your friends, you visibly squirm in discomfort. I obviously embarrass you."

"You don't embarrass me. This has got nothing to do with me. I love you, Nikki, and I just want you to be safe. You get very excited, and you talk really fast. People look at you weird."

"It's called 'passion,' Mom. You should try it sometime."

"It's a very judgmental world out there. And when you start talking about how the smartest people in science have gone wrong, you sound like a — I mean, I just don't want people thinking you're-"

"What? What would they think I am?"

"It's just — not everyone wants to spend their lunchtime talking about first principles."

"Diane was asking specific questions, and I was answering them honestly. And just because something is counterintuitive, doesn't mean it's factually inaccurate. I can't help it that the 'experts' are wrong. It's their fault for being intellectually lazy, not mine. I don't care if it's Einstein or some other great mind. If they're wrong, they're wrong. I mean, do you think I haven't thought through the logic underpinning my conclusion? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I don't think you're stupid-"

"Besides, Diane is very curious about the future of technology. If she wasn't interested, she would've changed the subject."

"She's very polite-"

"What do you want me to do then, Mom? Keep my mouth shut?"

"Just tone it down."

"Why doesn't the rest of the world tone it up?"

Dad placed some chocolate on the table. "Be nice to your mother, Nikki. She gave birth to you, and you were very painful. Here, have some calories."

"No, thanks." I left the table and marched upstairs, back in time, onto Zac's terrace.