"Anyway," I sighed, "I'm not going to kill myself, just in case you were wondering."
"I wasn't, but-"
"Dying is quite a pleasant experience, though."
"How would you know?"
"I once killed myself in a dream."
"What? How?"
"I woke up semi-lucid inside a dream one night. That rarely happens for me, so I thought I'd use it as an opportunity to run a little experiment. I wanted to know what death feels like because you can't run that experiment in real life. Death is kinda a one-way journey."
"So you just offed yourself in your dream?"
"Yeah."
"How'd you do it?" Zac asked.
"Gas explosion."
"Where?"
"The apartment."
"Which apartment?"
"Yours."
"You bitch! You blew up my apartment?!"
"It was just a dream, Zac. Calm down."
He stared at me. "Was I in the apartment?"
"Oh." I gave him a sheepish look. "I didn't check. Probably."
"Oh my God!" He massaged his temples. "So, what was it like?"
"What?"
"Death. What did it feel like?"
"It was the most peaceful, serene, lovely thing I'd ever experienced. I felt like I was floating, and everything was perfect. It just felt like… home. It only lasted for a few seconds, though. Then I woke up."
"Like in Inception?"
"Huh?"
"The movie. In Inception, Leonardo DiCaprio kills himself to wake up from the dream."
"Yeah, I guess. I actually woke up in your apartment. My entire room was swaying from side to side, which seemed very odd. Then I remembered that Jamaal had brought his lady friend home the previous night, and they'd been having sex a little too enthusiastically in the room next to mine. So I was like, 'Goddammit Jamaal! You're still at it? It's six a.m. on a Sunday!' And then I realized it wasn't Jamaal at all. It was actually an earthquake."
Zac doubled over in laughter. "That's such an easy mistake to make. He's an athletic guy."
"I'd never experienced an earthquake before! How was I supposed to know?! Anyway, it was a surreal post-death world to wake up to."
"So, do you think death is actually like that?" Zac asked. "Do you think it's peaceful?"
"I dunno," I shrugged. "I assume so. I mean, technically, we are in a very dense dream right now in this 'real world.' If my dream is a holographic echo of real life, then I'd assume that death in my dream would be a holographic echo of death in real life."
"It's an awfully dark thought experiment, though."
"No, it's not," I replied. "Our society only labels death as 'dark' because we're collectively terrified of it. Death is the ultimate venture into the unknown. Therefore, it represents ultimate chaos. Our society loathes chaos. If you remove all the meaning we assign to death, you realize that death just is. Just because I choose to explore it in a dream or talk about it, doesn't mean I'm mentally unstable. I'm actually just curious."
"So you'd be okay with dying right here, right now?"
"No," I replied. "I'm not scared of dying; I just don't want to. I'm much more scared of the people I love dying, but that is for very selfish reasons."
"What do you mean?".
"Well, if you died, I would be a distraught mess."
"Naw," Zac gushed.
"The idea that you're no longer here would be agony to me. The idea that I can never talk to you or laugh with you again would tear me apart. All of that pain has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. My perceived lack is causing the pain, rather than your actual death. You'd be off in another realm drinking expensive whiskey, getting laid, and having the time of your life-"
"You mean, having the time of my death."
"Yes," I smiled. "Anyway, it's been a strange year for me, that's all. But I'm glad you came back to Sydney for the summer. The last summer with the crew all together! The last summer before Bryce and Pandora finally move to New York!"
"It's been seven years coming! And they're finally taking the plunge."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I'm proud of them for making it happen. It's a big change — moving all their furniture, their dog, finding new jobs. I remember when we were both at uni and Pandora was just a part-time admin, but then she worked her way up into the CEO position by the age of twenty-eight. So many well-meaning people thought she was crazy to give up a position like that to take a risk and move overseas. But in the end, she didn't care what other people thought, and I respect that immensely. It's very inspiring."
"Good on her. Good on them both." Zac said. "What's the term God used? They're saving themselves from the oblivion of non-realization."
I laughed. "Fuck oblivion."
"Fuck oblivion!" Zac yelled into the night.
