Masks

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking out loud. I'll explain that later. Let's continue."

Examine your values one by one. Hold them up to the light of public scrutiny. If you can tell the world who you are and what you believe without breaking stride or hesitating, you are happy with yourself. There is no reason to continue much further in this dialogue with Me, because you have created a Self — and a life for the Self — which needs no improvement. You have reached perfection. Put the book down.

Conversations With God Neale Donald Walsch

I sighed. "If you can tell the world who you are and what you believe without breaking stride or hesitating, you are happy with yourself. That's the goal. Imagine if everyone could be that truthful? What if everyone could proudly say 'This is who I am,' without a care in the world for what others thought? What if everyone could take off their masks? Wouldn't the world be more real?

Imagine a world without all the illusion; all the unspoken truths that everyone is thinking but no one is saying, because everyone thinks they have to look a certain way and act a certain way and be a certain way to achieve some arbitrary level of success and approval. What if people who were gay could just be gay? And people who were weird could just be weird? Actually, have you seen Bo Burnham's Netflix comedy special, Make Happy?"

"No," Zac replied.

"His final song is probably the most poignant, clever, artistic representation of this idea."

"He mimics a Kanye West performance by putting his microphone on autotune and then ranting about funny, trivial first-world problems. The audience laughs as he sings about not being able to fit his hand inside a pringle can, or going to Chipotle and getting too many ingredients inside his burrito and having it explode into a chaotic mess.

But then, halfway through, the song divulges into this incredibly tragic performance when his mask slips off, and he starts telling the truth."

I can sit here and pretend
Like my biggest problems are
Pringle cans, and burritos
The truth is, my biggest problem's you
I want to please you
But I want to stay true to myself
I want to give you the night out that you deserve
But I want to say what I think
And not care what you think about it
A part of me loves you
Part of me hates you
Part of me needs you
Part of me fears you
And I don't think that I can handle this right now
Handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right now

I don't think that I can handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right now
Look at them, they're just staring at me
Like, "come and watch the
Skinny kid with a steadily declining mental health
And laugh as he attempts
To give you what he cannot give himself"

I don't think that I can handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right now
They don't even know the half of this right now
They don't even know the half of it
But I know I'm not a doctor
I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show
So I should probably just shut up and do my job
So here I go

I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit
I wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit
I wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit
I wouldn't have got half of it
You can tell them anything if
You just make it funny, make it rhyme
And if they still don't understand you
Then you run it one more time

I don't think that I can handle this right now
I don't think that I can handle this right now
If you think that I can handle this right now
Right now
Now
Handle this right
Handle this right
Handle this right now

Thank you, good night!
I hope you're happy

Make Happy Bo Burnham

"It's such a clever piece of art because the audience doesn't know how to respond to the truth. They bought tickets to a comedy show to forget their problems and laugh about trivial shit, like Pringle cans and burritos. Instead, they're confronted with Bo's illusion. By the end, he is just performing on the stage like a sad clown, and the audience is cheering. That was the last comedy special he made."

"That's very deep," Zac said. "He's got a point about the burritos, though. Usually, if I overstuff my Chipotle burrito, they'll double-wrap it for me. Two tortillas for the price of one! Bargain."

"I sometimes feel like a burrito with too much stuffed inside it," I sighed.

"Are we still being literal here?"

"No. I just — I dunno. I just feel like an overflowing mess sometimes. It's like I'm somehow too much, with too many ingredients, and I don't neatly fit inside society's standard tortilla. It's like Bo said — 'I wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit. I wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit. I wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit. I wouldn't have got half of it.'"

"I don't get it."

"Nevermind," I smiled. "I just want to not care what the crowd thinks. Wouldn't that be liberating? To just be who you are and say what you think and speak the truth completely unapologetically? I just want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think of me. Maybe one day I'll have enough courage to do that. Maybe one day I'll write a story about it, and I will finally be at peace with myself."

"I'd read your story," Zac said.

"Well, that's one person. And I know my parents would. And my sister and youngest brother. I'm not sure about Hamish, though. He rolls his eyes whenever I speak about my 'weird ideas.' He said he'd listen to my thesis when it has become scientific consensus, and until then, he'll leave it to the 'experts.' I then diagnosed him as being a sheep. I believe I also used the phrase 'close-minded, unsupportive drone with pubic hair growing from your chin.'"

"Oh, how is the beard going?" Zac asked. "Is it still as well-manicured as ever?"

"Yes," I replied. "He dotes on it like a bonsai tree. But he did not like my diagnosis, and tried to dispute it with hand gestures and more sarcastic eye-rolling. And then we bickered about something, as siblings do. And then we watched a funny Youtube video together, and all was well. But I don't think he has any interest in what I have to say."

"Well, I do," Zac said. "Let's continue our intellectual adventure."

"Oh! I'm so excited that you're excited about this too."

"As much as I hate to admit it, yes. I am enjoying myself."